I had my birthday a couple of days ago and it was the nicest birthday I've had in a while. They haven't really been "bad," but it's just because the older I get, the more this suffocating feeling of dread has been weighing on me. Like I'm running out of time and I've already got one foot in the grave. Maybe it's because all I've heard growing up is when you hit your 30's, your life is basically over. I kind of feel like your 30's is when your life actually begins. So idk.

I wish I'd taken a picture, but Mr. Toffii and I went to this family owned italian restraunt to eat for my birthday. I think they had one of the best chicken fettuccine alfredo's I've ever had. We went to Walmart afterwards because we needed some things for around the house. Then we came home, got comfy and gamed for the rest of the evening. It was a really, really nice day.

I know this may not make sense for those of you that's not into art/OC stuff, but one of my close friends online surprised me by gifting me a dreamie I've had my eyes on for years now. I love her so much that I've decided that I'd like to make her the "mascot" of my site (hint as to why she's now my blog pfp LOL). I'd like to give her a lil revamp and rename her since she's had a few owners in the past. I think she deserves a refresh.

In case anybody may be wondering, Mr. Toffii's mom is doing well! Her surgery went well and she's recently started her treatment. So if you could continue to keep her in your thoughts, it'd mean a lot to me. We're just happy that she's doing good so far and we're obviously hoping it stays that way.

I've been doing a few things around my site and just trying to tidy up and fix some loose ends I've been noticing as I explore my site (yes, I explore my own site to make sure it flows well together ). I'm pretty content with everything so far, but we'll see how long that lasts since I get the itch to change things every other day LOL.

My hair journey has been going fairly well! I think I've got a pretty good routine down that's best for my hair. When I get out of the shower, I use a little bit of Kenra's curl defining creme, then I scrunch it with a t-shirt. Once it's about dry, there's usually a type of "cast" I feel over my hair, so I "break it" by going in with Kenra's moisturizing oil. Kenra's products have been pretty great on my hair and I've noticed it's a lot shinier and healthier looking since I've completely stopped putting any type of heat on it.

I got new glasses and my vision hasn't changed much since the last time I went which is a really good thing because I think the issues I was having with my head were due to the pair I had before my last pair. The doctor that I had went to screwed up my prescription and I had been wearing them for almost 3 years like that. Since I'd gotten my last pair, my vision and head issues have slowly gotten better. Now that I have another new pair, I'm hoping that it continues to stay that way and I'll eventually get back to "normal."

I'm trying to take all of what's happened to me in the last 11 months as sooomewhat a good thing?? I was in an incredible amount of pain when all of this first happened to me, but this eventually snowballed into me finally getting in with a family doctor and then finally getting help with my mental health as well. So if I've learned anything from this, it's to take better care of myself and really pay attention to the things going on with my body.

I'm hoping that anything going on in your life isn't causing you too much trouble and if it is, I really hope that you're able to get the help you deserve and that you're taking care of yourself in the best ways that you can. I'm sending my love to anybody that's dealing with chronic illnesses, mental health, literally anything. It sucks ass and can be so crippling almost all of the time, but we're all in this together.

In other news, I'm on a journey with my hair to try and get it back to the way it was before I absolutely destroyed it with a straightener. This was around the time that curly/wavy hair was still nowhere near as accepted as it is now, so I convinced my mom to straighten my hair (not to mention that literally nobody in my life ever offered to teach me how to take care of it). I've never been comfortable with myself enough to even want to learn how to fix my natural hair until I got with my fiancé (I guess you could say "natural hair theory" is true in my case LOL). I'm going to attach a few photos I took the other day of how my hair is doing so far!

My fiancé's mom gave me some of Kenra's allcurl lightweight defining creme to try and it was perfect for my hair! It's sadly discontinued though, so I'm hoping that the product they recommended on their site is basically the same thing.

The fact that I even went out the other day with it natural was a HUGE deal for me because I hadn't done that since I was a child. It just makes me really happy that I'm at a place in my life where I feel safe, comfortable and happy to be able to explore things I would never even think of doing before.

I've noticed that writing for my blog sometimes makes me feel like how Carrie maybe felt when she'd write for her column in Sex and the City. Like I actually have a little bit of a reason to write about my day to day stuff. Except my life is uneventful, I have little to no friends and the most that I'll probably get to write about is whatever's screaming in my head that day... Better than nothing, I guess lol.

The last time I wrote for my blog, I was talking about how therapy has been for me and it's been pretty much the same. Each session is a little all over the place, but I'm trying to keep each one based on the timeline that's lead up to where I'm at currently. If that doesn't describe what kind of person I am, I don't know what does.
Talking about things that I've never been able to talk about out loud to anybody before and realizing just how bad some of it is is a feeling too hard for me to explain unless you've been there yourself. It's a mixture of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, sorrow, pity and a little confusion (for me anyway). I say confusion because I catch myself thinking, "What? Me? Nah, there's no way. Like, I'm good, y'know? It's no big deal." It is fact was a big deal.

Overall though, I really love therapy and the more I continue to go, the more I grow to like it. The last time I wrote, I also mentioned being put on Lexapro and it's been so amazing. I feel very well adjusted to the dose I'm on currently. Still feeling a bit of anxiety and I'm still having nightmares, but it's absolutely nothing like it was before, so I'm taking baby steps.

Being open minded to therapy is one thing. Making yourself go each time and stay on top of the appointments is another. I find myself sometimes wanting to call and reschedule or just give up on it completely, but I don't allow myself to and I reluctantly make myself go. Having a partner in my life that makes me want to get better also helps. He's been so supportive of me since we've been together and when I came to him about possibly going to therapy, he told me that he'd support me either way. I want to be better for him and myself, so that helps with staying on top of my appointments.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she decided to put me on Lexapro to see how I do with it. I'll see her again in 4 weeks to see how I'm holding up and go from them. For the first time in my life, I have hope for my future. Which is something I never thought I would come around to saying about my life. I know that I have to give myself credit for building the courage to get help, but I also have to give credit to my fiancé for allowing me to have such a safe space to finally want to do things for myself. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but living with them was a literal nightmare. The anxiety and fear that I would feel every day kept me in a constant fight or flight mode that I quite literally have never gotten out of. "If you grow up in a burning house, you learn to believe the whole world is on fire," is a quote that I told my therapist about because it's exactly what it feels like growing up in a toxic household.

I didn't mean for my first blog entry to center around my mental health, but it's really the only thing that's going on for me at the moment worth talking about. I've talked about my head so much in my IRL life that I'm just sick of talking about it. At the beginning of all of this, I wasted about 4-5(?) months with a neurologist that couldn't give less of a fuck about what was going on with me. When I told him how I ended up like this, he just wrote it off as migranes/headaches. He put me on a low does medicine that wasn't doing anything for my pain and then the next time I saw him for my check up, he again dismissed me and told me if I needed anything to call the office. So I told my fiancé that I was done. I wanted a second opinion. Now I'm with a neurologist that is headstrong on figuring out what's going on and to find some sort of relief for me. She believes that it has to do with my trigeminal nerve and now we're working on trying to calm that nerve down. The medicine she has me on has been doing amazing for me, so I'm very hopeful that as we go, the better I'll feel.

So with all that being said, if you are dealing with any type of health issue and nobody is listening, listen to yourself and get that second opinion if or when you can. You deserve to be heard and don't worry about stepping on any toes along the way. Your health is more important than keeping those around you comfortable.